Your Horoscope

It's that time of the year, so I'll give it a go...

Aries
You reached the bottom a while ago, and now a charitable stranger hands you a shovel.

Taurus
Jupiter will enter your sign like a demolition ball enters a condemned building, if you get what I mean.

Gemini
Last year was bad, but the next can still be worse. And it will.

Cancer
You thought your life was miserable before, but you never experienced slavery.

Leo
Shit will hit the fan, and the motor fail in a shower of sparks that will ignite the biogas overhead.

Virgo
That light at the end of the tunnel? It's a runaway freight train loaded with napalm.

Libra
You may improve your living conditions relocating to Afghanistan.

Scorpio
Did you sell one kidney already? How will you get through the next crisis then?

Sagittarius
Wealth and power are at hand. Are you ready to kill and pillage for it?

Capricorn
You'd better prepare yourself to resist that gang of marauding Sagittarius.

Aquarius
Surviving is already a success - but maybe not in a contaminated wasteland.

Pisces
This will be your last chance, but Mercury is the planet of squandered chances. And it's coming for you.

Aside: Someone may ask, why I write silly pieces while there's quite a war raging in the Gaza Strip? Simple; it's too early to say what strategic and geopolitical results it will achieve, and as a rightwing deathbeast I stopped caring for the plight of the Palestinians quite a while ago. So go Israel, kick arses and take names.