Offense to Be Washed in Blood

Dr David Thorpe, you have crossed a line and thus sealed your fate.

The Legoins of Metal will get you, and you will taste torments so atrocious that Abu Musab al-Zarqawi would wince at the thought. Torments so unspeakable that Morgoth himself regarded them as a bit over the top.

You will be chained to a Marshall Wall that will play every single metal album, single, demo ever recorded since Ian Kilminster first picked up a bass guitar. All this while curvaceous metal girls will sexually molest you and humiliate your virility.

And that's just the warm-up part... when we'll be finished, you'll be the craziest, wildest, most fanatical metalhead ever seen in this world. Or you'll be dead, and Norwegian black metal kids will use your bones as sexual objects.